To The Honest Interviewee

Please tell us why you want this job.

“Want” is a strong word. This isn’t my dream job, but I’m a realist. This is a job I can do, that I have the skills for, that I understand. And I have a car payment. I want to pay that. I like eating more than ramen noodles, so there’s that. Do you see the job for “Island Keeper”? They were hiring someone to take care of an island in the South Pacific and tweet about it, try to get people to visit. That’s the job I want. But answer your phones? I’ve been answering a phone since I was three.

What special skills do you have?

I can fix a bike chain without any tools, but using sticks and rocks found nearby. I have trained four dogs to sit, stay and roll over, but not to heel. I make a delicious beef stew without using a recipe (the secret is sage). I can usually talk my way out of a parking ticket and into a first class seat. The grout in my shower is spotless and 30 years old. I have been skiing several times and never fallen down. At parties, I never overstay my welcome.

Oh, you meant...?

Tell us about a time you worked well under pressure.

I worked as a home health aide for a while. I thought they would train me, but they just gave me an address and told me to go sit with this guy. I got there and he was all alone, watching television. Well, not watching exactly, because he was in so much pain and so anxious, he couldn’t pay attention. I don’t even think he saw me come in the room. He was hooked up to oxygen. I tried to talk to him; I touched his arm. But he was delirious or something. He had about seven different pills lined up on the table next to him. I sat in that room with him like that for four hours until my shift was over and the next person showed up. Later that day, the agency called and asked if I would go back tomorrow. And you know what I said? I said ok. That’s pressure.

What are your goals for the future?

Goals? Hmmm….well, you caught me off guard with that one. I mean, how do I answer that? If I say this job is just a stepping stone until I finish my degree and my partner finally decides to commit and we can move to Wyoming to start our sheep cheese business, will that mean I don’t get it? But then, if I say I really want this job and I want to do it the very best I can for the next 23 years so that when I finally leave you throw me a big party and say over and over, “We don’t know how we get along without you” with such sincerity that I wonder myself, if I say that, is that not ambitious enough? I feel like I can’t win here. My goal is to finish the book I am currently reading. I want to move to Wyoming where my closest neighbor is 3 miles away. I want my brother to talk to me again. My goal is to answer these questions and you say, “That was refreshing!” and you give me the goddamn job so I don’t have to stay working with my asshole of a boss. That’s my goal.