To Freaking Out

Yesterday, a student emails that she’s late for her conference because she can’t find my office and she’s “freaking out.” I imagine she’s on the floor above me (because most of the time when they are lost, that’s where they are) frantically checking ALL the doors, asking people if they know me. No one on the floor above knows me. She throws her head back, telling herself something like, “You had one thing to do today, Jordan, one thing!”

I email back:  we can reschedule. It’s fine. Don’t worry. Don’t freak out.

Because freaking out is serious. Missing a conference is not. Of course, for your grade it is, but your grade is not serious. Of course, for your degree, it is, but really, your degree is not serious. 

It is.

Babies freak out.
Whit had this expression in most of his baby pics.

But it really isn’t.

There’s a giant Scale of Things That Matter and it works like a produce scale at the grocery store. In some ways, it’s rather inaccurate, meant for estimation only, but it’s reliable enough to give some idea of the size and cost. But, whatever goes on the scale has to meet a particular weight first to even register. One green bean is like nothing. One tomato? Nada. One conference on a rainy Thursday afternoon? Not gonna show up.

But the grade? The degree? No. These are not who you are; they are not even really the things that you do. I want her to get her degree, but I also know that she will. She is 19 years old. Nineteen year olds say things like, “I have waited my whole life for…” and I want to say, “I have been waiting for some things longer than you have been alive. I have blue jeans older than you.” I don’t. She speaks her truth. But if we put in on the Scale of Things That Matter, it has no weight yet.

She could fail my class and, really, be fine; she can recover from failure. She may even be better for it. I may even wish that for her.

Let’s reserve freaking out for those things that we cannot recover from, those moments when we are witnessing our lives change in a matter of seconds. We feel the breath leave us and we aren’t sure if we can breathe again. We wonder how we never considered this would happen and then we wonder if this will happen to everyone. And then we realize it will. We are suddenly so afraid for the whole world. From then on, like it or not, that is who we are. We are the person that knows that truth. We will see it everywhere, every day. When we place it on the scale, the scale breaks. Every time.