To Autocorrect

You’re doing it wrong.

 

What I text: “Im looking forward ot it.”

What you say: “I’m looking forward to it.”  

What you should say: “Look, enough of this. I find these events dull. These are not parties. Parties involve small bites of food and at least one good-hearted but fierce argument. Your gatherings are too polite. The servings too large.”

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I text (4 days after an acquaintance texts me):“Sorry i just got yr txt. Im not ihnorong you!”

What you say: “Sorry I just got your text. I’m not ignoring you!”

What you should say: “I wish you understood that I am completely ignoring you.”

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What I text: “Are you bist?”

What you say: “Are you busy?”

What you should say: “I’m about to consume 32 minutes of your life with a rant about art or politics or the overuse of chemicals. If you’re smart and nod your head, it might only last 27 minutes.”

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What the committee chair texts: “Can you meet this Friday at 4?”

What I text: “_______”

What you text:

What you should text: “No one holds committee meetings at 4 on Friday. No. One.”

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What I text: “hey! What’s up? How are you?”

What you text: “hey! What’s up? How are you?”

What you should text: “I miss you. You’re quiet. You’re so far away.  I worry. I worry. I love you. I'm worried.”