To Real Wedding Vows That You Would Have Written Had You Known What You Were Really Getting Into At the Time

I promise to love you.

I promise to try to like you most of the time, too, though that won’t always happen. But I still love you.

I promise to attempt in the first five years or so to figure out who prefers doing what household chores and leave it at that forever.

I promise never to go to bed mad. But...

I promise that when I do go to bed mad, I will wake up a little less mad.

I promise that if I don’t wake up a little less mad, we either work that shit out or drop it. Even if working it out takes a few months.

I promise to always be grateful when you cook. Always. Regardless. Including last Tuesday.

I promise to keep it interesting by constantly changing my life goals and those things about which I am passionate.

But I will always be irritated by the same things. Just sayin.

If we have kids, I promise not to talk about the children in front of the children.

I promise that I will not let others talk shit about you behind your back in my presence.

I promise to be proud of you.

I promise to keep coffee as the appropriately high priority it is and never less.

If I try a new hobby and ask you to try it with me, I promise to not care if you don’t like it.

If you try a new hobby and ask me to try it, I promise I will, unless it has to do with heights. Or tent camping.

I promise not care about the pattern of our dishes and how mismatched they will be in 10 years. Even if we have one of our bosses over for dinner.

I promise to check with you if I am about to spend more than 5% of our monthly income on any single item or during a single day. Unless it’s surprise tickets to The Cure or Willie Nelson.

I promise not to make you wear clothes that do not make you feel like yourself, but you may occasionally have to wear something a little itchy.

I promise to go easy on the cayenne.

I promise, if I can’t sleep at night, I’ll go sleep on the couch so as to not wake you. We will need our sleep. We have no idea how much.

I promise to tell you always when you have a little something in your teeth. We will develop a signal to use at parties.

I promise to try my hardest to make sure you feel always less--not more--alone in the world.