To Jobs I Would Like to Have

Namer of Colors

 

The pressure is intense; you’d be surprised. The new spring line is coming out and there are 7 new greens. The line is called “Millennial,” which, aside from knitted caps and crowdsourcing, has no connotations whatsoever. And somehow I have to think of a new way to say “green” that also suggests this “new” century we are in. I grab my coffee and a biscotti and head over to the paint shop, where they have the freshest versions of the samples.

The color-makers complain sometimes. “I just can’t LOOK at another magenta today!” but I don’t get it. You add a few more drops of yellow and a little blue #4 and presto! a new beige. Whether it’s pretty or useful is of no importance. Whether it is a color in nature matters not one bit. But I will have to name it.

Nano Haze. Knitted Cornflower. Sing The Oldies. Green Over Toast. Gilded Pumpkin Latte. Localvore Greenbean. Sweatervest. RayBan Blue.

But what I love about my job are the dreams each night. I can hear the colors, the hum of yellow, the green in C minor. I feel the words, the rough edges of “teal”, the way “grey” feels like the petals of a magnolia flower.

Sommelier Exclusive to Spanish Wines

I want a reason to train my palate to taste all the parts of a single sip of wine. It must have more to do with your brain than your tongue, a skill of attention more than muscle memory. I would even drink a cabernet, even a riesling to get this job. I could learn to love them.

But really, I just want know the Spanish wines. The garnachas and the riojas. The daring tempranillo. The salty whites Rudea Verdejo and Vina Gravonia.

I’m leading my clients through a tasting, pouring quickly enough to aerate but taking care not to bruise the flavor. You should first taste the olives, which is really the wind that comes up from the olive grove before it reaches the vineyard. Next you taste the revolutions, which come from the soil. This one is from Catalan and is the most bittersweet. The finish is dry, which is the dust settling after the bullfight. This was Picasso’s favorite and he saved it for Tuesdays.

Futurist

What makes a good Futurist is not the ability to predict the future, but a clear sense of the past as well as a deep knowledge of Shakespeare. Everything else is just connecting the dots. Let me tell you what the future holds:

“A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a king, and eat

of the fish that hath fed of that worm.”

So, you, you will be the fisherman.

Mind Reading Waitress

I have been a waitress in the past and I was horrible. Some nights, I actually lost money. But as a mind-reading waitress, I'd be excellent. People would stand at the bar for hours just to be seated at my table.

I'm actually not going to read your mind. I'm going to read your soul. We will have a short but meaningful conversation in which you indirectly reveal something about your soul. I will take into account what you are wearing, not in a judgemental way, but in the way that our clothes reflect our mood. Are you checking your phone a lot? Do you talk to your date when I walk away? Do you look tired? Are you celebrating? Or is this just a way to get out of the goddamn house for once?

Steve Jobs said, "People don't know what they want until you show it to them," and so I relieve you of all choices with the confidence that what I will bring you will satisfy you on every level. My chef is that good and she makes things on request.

For you? I am guessing by the hand woven wallet and the dog screensaver, you are a vegetarian or at least not opposed to meatless dishes. But you laugh a lot and tell a lot of jokes, even though you have clearly just come from the office. You need a big Bloody Mary to start and stuffed mushrooms with a small bit of truffle oil. For dinner, not pasta, which is what you always get, but a vegetarian shepherd's pie, with lots of root vegetables and a touch of blue cheese in the potato crust. Your date wants to celebrate, but is trying not to overwhelm you. Considerate that way. Not a drinker, though, so I bring a ice tea and lemonade in the tallest glass I can find, float fresh lemon on top. Crab claws are rare enough and have the added bonus of keeping the eater busy. For dinner, smoked duck in a dark Peking sauce. The chef has been making it for days. For just the right customer.

I don't accept tips. I'm paid well enough. You will leave happy and full. I don't even learn your names, but I remember you when you return.