To Writing

I ask my students to fill the board with reasons why they write.

I write for people who have no voice. I write to my dead sister. I write because I have to. I write to get a good grade. I write because I'm angry. When I write, I cry. I write to think. I write when I sleep. I write to believe.

They ask me to put one up. No, I say. Today is all about you.

But now, tonight, alone, it's all about me. And why I write.

I write because I don't know what else to do. I write because I believe in words. I write because I am lonely and when I am lonely I write to find someone. And when I find someone, I write to be together. And it works. 

I write to procrastinate and ignore my other work and then I write because it is my work. I write one sentence over and over because someone in power is going to read it and make a decision based on what I've said. I rewrite because I have power. There is great power in revision.

I write to play. I write to jump off a cliff and fall. I write to fall and I write the falling and then I write to land, to hit, to break and in the breaking, I write to heal.

Writing doesn't heal us. It's not healing at it all. It solves nothing. But I write thinking I might heal. I write because it gives me something to do when I feel like there is nothing, I mean absolutely goddamn nothing to do about all the pain and suffering. Not that the writing will heal but it will get me to the next moment.

I write because I'm a terrible singer. I write because I'm easily overwhelmed visually. I write because I cannot draw or doodle. I write because I never got past calculus. I should have. It was the first math that made sense. But it was too late. I was reading Creeley and I write because Creeley wrote and broke my heart. Calculus never broke my heart. It would have. Eventually. Math will always break your heart. It just takes longer.

I write to break your heart. I write because your heart is broken. I write because we are born with broken hearts. I write because there is room to write. I write to make room for all the words in our hearts. I write to learn the limits of language and I write to feel the limits.

It feels rough. I write to the very edge. I write until I have no more words. Then, I listen.