From The Tooth Fairy

Listen kid, I’m real. And I don’t mean real like “if you believe in the fairy spirits, they must be real!” 

I mean really real. For reals.

I got real bills, too. Granted my house is small, so my bills don’t look like your parents' bills, and I went to college on a scholarship--I wanted to be a cartographer--so I don’t have any student loan debt. But I have to eat a surprising amount of twinkies and pop just to keep my energy up. I call it the hummingbird diet. I learned it from Arnie. He is a hummingbird.

Source Bob Doran
https://www.flickr.com/photos/humblog/15680288872/

I’m lugging these teeth all over the whole neighborhood. I’m not the only TF, you know. It depends on the neighborhood and how many kids are there, but in some neighborhoods, we’re always looking for new talent. You gotta love the newbies. They complain their wings are tired, their backs are sore. One shows up in the breakroom the other day saying, “The kid woke up! The kid woke up!” which put him way behind schedule. But they don’t have their technique down yet. And some kids are really light sleepers.

Not every TF makes it out alive. The job has its dangers. Lil Joe was caught by a dog and KC fell into a glass of water and drowned. Andre’s wings were torn off by a fan. Now he works in the mailroom. I hear it’s worse in the south.

Everyone wants to know two things. First, what do we do with all the teeth? Think of it as mining. Look--salt, gold, diamonds--it all has value because you say it has value. Without people thinking it’s worth something, it’s just another rock. So to us, these teeth have value and your bedrooms, under your pillows, those are our mines. Some fairies prefer the tiny baby teeth. The very first front one that falls out. Some like incisors, hang them on the wall like trophies. I know a fairy who built her whole bedroom out of molars. She said it’s what all the wealthy European fairies did.

You probably also want to know why, when kids grow up, they stop believing. We don’t know why. We show up every frickin’ time. We climb around under those covers and pillows with that hot kid breath blowing on us. Sometimes the parents just lie, say they leave all that money. Have you seen parents?? They never have change. Jess used to say the parents were jealous. The kids would write us letters--we save every one. Kids love us.

One kid--I have all her teeth. Somehow, I was on call every night she lost one. Her name was Mae. She played soccer and wanted a raccoon for a pet. On a slow night, I’d go sit by her bed. I told her my whole life story.