To Babies Who Put Up With The Shenanigans of Strangers

In the grocery store at the check out line, I glance at the man waiting behind me. He’s not looking at me, and I watch him as he scrunches up his face and then makes his eyes very wide and raises his eyebrows as high as they will go. Then he smiles. Then he hides his face behind the magazine rack and then pops it back out with a surprised look. I don’t know who is audience is, but I am guessing it’s a baby.

 

Babies, you spend every trip to the grocery store, to the library, out at the park, even idling at a red light with adults making absurd faces at you. If adults made these faces in a meeting, we’d get fired. If we made them at a party, we’d be asked to leave. If we made them to our partner over dinner, the steak just perfect, the rolls buttered, we might be sleeping alone that night.

Babies, only when you are around can we behave this way. You won’t say anything. Sometimes you laugh at us. Sometimes you just stare, which makes us more determined than ever so we bring our whole game, sticking our thumbs in our ears and wiggling our fingers. Maybe we puff our cheeks out like a chipmunk; we cross our eyes. We make almost every facial expression humanly possible.

We can’t explain it, babies. But we have to make you laugh, at least smile. And you’re kind; you frequently giggle, maybe in the hopes of getting us to stop or at least tone it down. You’re thinking, “What is wrong with these people?? They know nothing about baby culture! I don’t need a silly face! I need to bite or suck on something. Pacifiers for all my friends!” But you play along. You’re strapped to your dad’s chest or hanging off your mom’s arm in a car seat. What are you gonna do? Where you gonna go? Might as well play along.

Don’t worry, babies. In a few short months, it stops. Right when you get a handle on “Yes” and “No”, right when you refuse to ride in the kid seat of the grocery cart, right when you realize the tremendous power you wield simply by refusing to eat your dinner, adults will stop with the faces.

You’ve aged out of the system. You might as well be 20 for all we care.